The World is in Shock
Sir Elton John has gone back to the studio to work on his Miss
Piggy version of Candle In The Wind. Elton fondly recalls his duet
with Miss Piggy on the Muppet Show in 1977 and lamented that he
could never have half the poise and grace of Miss Piggy. The
sentiment is shared throughout the entertainment community, where
there are talks of a Swine Aid benefit concert in Miss Piggy's
honor. The E! True Hollywood Story takes a look at the extinguished
flame that once was Miss Piggy.
The Early Years
Miss Piggy Lee was born in a Pig Toilet in Goa. Her father had a
crappy attitude and could be abusive at times. Miss Piggy's mother
was a fat sow who struggled to keep her piglets feed. When a sewer
system was introduced in Goa, the Pig Toilet closed and Miss
Piggy's father found himself unemployed, started drinking heavily
and became very abusive. Miss Piggy's mother would flee with the
piglets to Los Angeles in an attempt to protect her piglets from
the abuse. Miss Piggy would remember her mother telling her that
her father ate sh1+ and died whenever she would asked about
him.
Miss Piggy grew up to be a typical teenage swine and loved the
glitter of the entertainment industry. She would hang around the
big Hollywood Studios, just hoping to get a glimpse of her favorite
TV star, Arnold Ziffel. Miss Piggy finally did met Arnold Ziffel
and impressed him very much. Arnold made some calls and Miss Piggy
was auditioning for a role for a bold new TV show called Pigs In
Space.
Stardom
Stardom came for Miss Piggy in 1970s when her role on Pigs In
Space launched her career into orbit. Her star shone brighter than
that of Link Hogthrob and the rumors of her being a diva began in
earnest.
The Muppet Show
Miss Piggy is known for her outspokeness and her words created a
commotion on the set. Miss Piggy said "never eat anything you can't
lift." to which the Swedish Chef took offense. The Swedish Chef
started chasing Miss Piggy around the set with a meat cleaver in
hand. When asked about this incident years later, all the Swedish
Chef would say is, "Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee,
flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip. So, de beency bouncy
pork chop, eh?"
Piggy Finds Love
It was on the set of the Muppet Show where she met a handsome,
green, older frog named Kermit and it was love at first sight.
Kermit, who was called K-Fiddy by his friends, was a veteran actor,
staring in the hit Sesame Street. He was flattered by Miss Piggy's
attention and would take the young actress under his wing. The pair
were always seen together and the rumors of a romantic entanglement
started to fly.
Good Love Turns Bad
Gonzo the Great, who was living in Kermit's pool house at the
time, has told E! True Hollywood Story a disturbing tale of the
turbulent relationship between Miss Piggy and Kermit. Gonzo
recounts the quickness with which Kermit's violent temper flared.
As Gonzo recalls, Miss Piggy was poolside and started singing:
All day long I sit around
Dreaming of the love I found,
Because I really love my frog,
And when I love I go whole hog.
Gonzo recalls Kermit getting annoyed and louder as he
sarcastically replied:
Frog has come to have his say,
The pig will never get her way.
Bib and napkin, knife and fork
Is the only way that I'll touch pork.
Gonzo recalls that Miss Piggy seemed unaffected by Kermit's
anger. She said, as only Miss Piggy could, "Only time can heal your
broken heart just as only time can heal his arms and legs."
But this incident showed me the dark side of K-Fiddy. It was
then I saw the evil in his eyes and I knew right then and there the
he was capable of terrible violence. The kind hearted mild Kermit
was gone. It was right then, Gonzo continued, that I have no doubt
that K-Fiddy committed this terrible crime.
The Break Up
Shortly after this incident, Miss Piggy decided to leave Kermit.
K-Fiddy grew more distraught and moved to Oregon to become a
hermit. Miss Piggy had this to say about the break-up: "We're kind
of taking a little bit of a break. We're not so romantically
involved as people thought we were at one time." With this she
thought she ended this abusive relationship.
Piggy Sets Her Sights on the White House
After the breakup, Miss Piggy joined the Republican Party and
changed her name, as she did not want her fame to over shadow her
strong Family Values. She was a rising political star, and received
many accolades. She was really flattered when the Democrats noticed
that she was a pig with lipstick.
It was about this time that Kermit returned to civilization and
entered politics. He joined the Democratic Party and became a
campaign manager. He made it his mission to discredit Miss Piggy in
every possible way. He circulated pictures of Miss Piggy in a
bikini shooting an M-16. He paid off reporters to hit her with hard
ball questions and slung mud from the depths of the bog. In spite
of all this negative attention, Miss Piggy maintained her poise and
grace. But the voters would narrowly decided against her and she
was left to reinvent herself once again.
Tragedy Strikes
Miss Piggy was working on a book deal. PETA had approached her
to pose for one of their controversial fur ads and it looked like
Miss Piggy would make another comeback until tragedy struck her
down.
Miss Piggy was brutally murdered at the posted coordinates by a
hooded assailant. Her lifeless body was placed in a smoker for 12
hours and this butcher did the unthinkable, he partially consumed
her succulent well seasoned corpse.
When police arrived on the scene, all that remained of the
multi-talented Miss Piggy was a rack of ribs and a half pound pile
of pork. Police were baffled to see four pieces of corn bread,
macaroni and cheese, collard greens, baked beans and dirty corn
scattered around the crime scene. To further confuse the issue, a
half pound of a yet to be identified bovine was also found at the
crime scene. The words "red rum" were scrawled on the walls in
Bar-B-Q sauce. Police theorize that this hooded assailant wanted to
leave the remains in something along the lines of a family meal to
send some sort of sick twisted message.
The Prime Suspects Cannot Be Found
Tonight the two prime suspects are at large and we need your
help to bring these criminals to justice. The first suspect is a
male caucasian about three feet tall with red hair and a wild wiry
red mustache. He was last seen wearing a white chef's outfit and is
know to carry a meat cleaver. The Swedish Chef is considered armed
and dangerous, so do not approach this suspect, but contact the
authorities immediately by logging this cache.
The second suspect is a troubled amphibian that goes by the
names Kermit the Frog AKA K-Fiddy AKA Snoop-Frogg AKA Pork Forker.
He is also considered extremely dangerous. If you know the
whereabouts of this slimy thug, contact your local authorities
immediately by logging this cache.
How You Can Help Find Miss Piggy's Killer
You can help bring The Swedish Chef or K-Fiddy to justice if you
can find either of these to jokers, contact your local authorities
by logging this cache. Since criminals like to return to the scene
of their crime, go to the posted coordinates and see if you can
find the number of the family meal that best represents crime scene
and write it below:
Family Meal #_____
K-Fiddy is also known to sing about a particular color. This
color can also be found in the rainbow. If you number the colors of
the rainbow from red = 1 to violet =7, write the number of
K-Fiddy's color below:
K-Fiddy's Color #_____
With these numbers in hand, you are ready to help us bring Miss
Piggy's killer to justice.
Subtract K-Fiddy's color # from the decimal component of the
Northern Minutes.
Multiply the Family Meal # by K-Fiddy's color # and subtract
this product from the decimal component of the Western Minutes.
If you math is correct, you will find the criminal is really
close by. This would be a one difficulty cache if it weren't for
the multiplication.
Tonight, we need your help to bring this butcher to justice. Use
extreme caution when tracking down this criminal and under no
circumstance try to apprehend this thug or take him into custody.
When you find this joker, contact the local authorities by logging
this cache. We know that someone can help us identify Miss Piggy's
killer and bring this insane butcher to justice. Please be careful
out there.