First message transmittal intercepted and translated by CIA
tracking station Bravo Sierra, Julian date 2454073.37999
From : Minister of Galactic Affairs
Classification: Special Hold Close A-1 Top Secret Double Dog Dare,
Platinum Level
To: AGENT BARQ4573TG (alias “The Venerable Count Spikerton von
Sweinigus”)
Subject: Disciplinary Action, Agent BARQ4573TG
Julian date: 2454073.37088
It has come to Our attention that you have failed to provide in a
timely manner the required demisesquicentennial report of global
clandestine activities concomitant to your assignment. It is of the
utmost importance to the security of the Remoolian species that
subject report be transmitted forthwith.
Further, We have been informed by the Council for Sector Defense
that there is some indication that you may not be taking your
current assignment seriously. Your previous assignments to
Arbignon, Borignia, and Festugon were highly successful and your
performance was well documented. We are also well aware of the
Medal for Perpetual Distinguished Terpitude you received while
disguised as one of the amoebas in that pool of water on Mars.
Additionally, your first 1275 years at your current assignment
station, Krepetkuu (third rock from the sun) have been commendable.
However, recent events in the past year or so lead Us to question
your further fitness for this assignment. Extracurricular
activities such as cavorting with humans in the woods at the
expense of time that should be dedicated to your investigative
endeavors will not be tolerated. You were instructed to assimilate
with the humans; however, your current propensity to demonstrate
your superior intelligence will surely expose your cover and is
tantamount to treason. We have expended immense quantities of
quintals on your operational cover as a so called “dog”. We can
ill-afford to squander this investment with your further
irresponsible activities. You are hereby ordered to discontinue
your air of “geocaching superiority”. Any further transgression
will be dealt with severely; punishment may include arboreal
replacement and possible defenestration.
Physical instructions regarding where to place your report will be
sent to you shortly. Our agents have determined that you are
frequently near MOMMY. However this information was apparently
garbled in translation. Further research has revealed that your
actual location is not near MOMMY, but in Sector W123JHP-90,
MAUMEE, Ohio, USA, on the planet Krepetkuu. We have located an
excellent bull’s eye target in that sector. I am attaching a
celestial rendering of the bull’s eye for you to reconnoiter.
Expect a capsule with further secret instructions to be fired at
the bull’s eye on Julian date 2454076.11000
TARGET
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Second message transmittal intercepted and translated by CIA
tracking station Bravo Sierra, Julian date 2454076.11297
From : Minister of Galactic Affairs
Classification: Special Hold Close A-1 Top Secret Double Dog Dare,
Quartz Level
To: agent BARQ4573TG (alias “The Venerable Count Spikerton von
Sweinigus”)
Subject: Delivery of Instruction Capsule
Julian date: 2454076.11196
Unfortunately there was a slight miscalculation by our Engineering
department. They misinterpreted the word “hypotenuse” when it
actually should have been “happyface”. Therefore, the capsule with
your transmittal instructions landed slightly off target. Celestial
rendering of the actual splashdown point is attached.
Your instructions will be decoded in the usual way.
A=3,B=8,C=1,D=0,E=2,F=5,G=7,H=2,J=4,K=1
Upon decoding proceed to the indicated location to find the data
transmittal anti-gravitational ejection container. Proceed with all
due haste to send your report to Us in this container. Should the
security of this container be breached by any non-authorized beings
prior to transmittal to the Remoolian Interception Station you must
abort the mission post haste and contact The Central Internal
Affairs Security Supervisor. His office will arrange for your
immediate transporter conveyance to Remoolia for commencement of
disciplinary proceedings. We hesitate to contemplate the negative
consequences resulting from an event of such magnitude.
OOPS!
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