THE TEMPLE OF DUNG
The adventure begins ...
MORTALS' ENTRANCE (N49 20.861 W123 11.669 elev 140m)
This is where mere mortals begin their adventure. I recommend that you ride your Chariot to ascend this portion of the adventure. Be careful of the temple lookouts along the way. You must steer clear of them if you want to reap the ultimate reward in a timely manner.
PHOENIX RISES (N49 23.680 W123 12.180 elev 937m)
The gates of the higher beings are here. If you haven’t been higher before, then you must prepare for your arduous journey by protecting yourself from the invisible curses that will shine/rain down on you from the heavens, and you must offer to the Gods a gift to ensure your safe passage ($5 to Children’s Hospital will do).
Evil lurks along every step of the way. If this bugs you, then don’t venture forth another step. They have been known to eat mere mortals alive! Tomb raiders, and those who are fit, will take one half hour to ascend to the Gates of Paradise where fair-haired maidens will await you (they were on lunch when I arrived).
GATES OF PARADISE - THE SECRET ENTRANCE (N49 23.477 W123 12.824 elev 1179m)
You must wait until the secret code above matches the signal from the Gods before proceeding. Otherwise, you will be going around and around in circles until you die a horrible death (or until a boarder dude finds you). Only upon receiving this signal, will you be permitted to travel along the ancient pathways that was carved into the mountainside by one thousand slaves (or maybe it was four thousand unionized slaves?!?).
The journey to the first treasure will take less than a half hour. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is simple; the tomb raiders are seducing you, deeper and deeper, into their traps.
FIRST TREASURE (N49 23.548 W123 13.142 elev 1189m)
Swimming Pool of the Gods. Legend has it that this is where sphinxes go to cleanse themselves (I call mine Kodi because he looks and listens like a sphinx).
There are myths that speaks of the Gods turning disobedient slaves into water. This is the same water that fills the many ponds along the way. The journey to the second treasure will take about forty-five minutes depending on how long you take to pay homage to the slaves along the way. You must take the path on the right when you reach the tablet.
SECOND TREASURE (N49 22.983 W123 14.033 elev 1060m)
Where the Gods oversee their kingdom. But, beware; it was written in recently unearthed ancient scrolls that says many peanuts were sacrificed to the rodent Gods at this location.
Along the way, beware of the quick sand (mud) traps left by the tomb raiders. Find the secret alternate route around them.
If the planets are in perfect alignment (I was twice lucky), look up and you will see the guardian of the temple ready to swoop down and eat those who fail to find the real treasure.
THIRD TREASURE
Finally … the ultimate treasure. You must use the secret code to decrypt where the final treasure is entombed.
OPTIONAL RETURN JOURNEY
On the way back to civilization, you can either head down the steep hill to the ancient port of Bay of the Trojan Nikes, or you can return the way you came and take the slightly easier path on the right when you reach the tablet again. This will take you around to the other side of the lake.
CURSES (Epilogue)
Almost every step of the way, you will recite one of the following Curses: Holy Dung, that was hard! Holy Dung, I’m getting eaten alive! Holy Dung, this guy is nuts! But mostly … Holy Dung, this is beautiful! This is why this adventure is called … The Temple of Dung! Family edition (adult version to follow).