All Things Reconsidered
By Melissa
Blogh
The
following dialogue is excerpted from an interview with George W.
Shrub recorded on October 31, 2007.
Melissa: So Mr. Shrub, now that
your term is coming to a close, I would like you to reflect, if you
would so indulge us, on the accomplishments that you are most proud
of.
Mr. Shrub: Well, Missy, can I
call you that? That’s what we used to call our cat (short for
Melissa, get it?)
Melissa: A cat, sure, Missy is
fine. Can I call you Georgie?
Mr. Shrub: Hurgh (laugh). Well
Missy, I prefer Mr. Shrub. Besides the war in Iraq, I would
have to say that one of my proudest accomplishments has been my war
on education. Early in my office, I fought to elevate our
school educational systems so that all children would graduate on
time. That’s where my slogan came from.
Melissa: Would that be the “No
Child Left Behind” campaign?
Mr. Shrub: Know child, uh, yes,
we must know the childs that are left behind. The children,
the little people.
Melissa: Are you saying that this
program was initiated to better understand why some children are
left behind in our school systems?
Mr. Shrub: Well Missy, you see
not all children are created equal. Sometimes you just need
to know the child. I asked our scholastic leaders to develop
a program where no child fails, and there are tests and materials
that can guarantee this. You see, knowing the child is the
key to their behindness. You must know and understand the
child’s left behind to solve this problem.
Melissa: The child’s left
behind? Please elaborate if you will Mr. Shrub.
Mr. Shrub: I think the slogan
speaks for itself.
Melissa: Speaking of slogans, the
armed forces were very successful in recruiting soldiers and others
to go overseas and defend our nations’ interests. I recall a
slogan, “An Army of One”. Do you have any comments on
this?
Mr. Shrub: I most certainly
do. Missy, when you think of a soldier, what comes to
mind? Is it his uniform, his weapon? It is his right
arm! Or left arm if he is left-handed. It is his arm
that makes the army the army! We’ve put the arm back in army!
Melissa: I don’t think I’ve heard
that take on the slogan before. So you really weren’t
speaking of a united force, more like the power and contributions
of the individual?
Mr. Shrub: Yes! An Armie of
One! Without arms, we are powerless. You know Missy,
it’s hard to hold a rifle without an arm.
Melissa: I’m not sure I
understand what having arms has to do with this… perhaps I can ask
you to indulge in another matter - nothing to do with
education or the war?
Mr. Shrub: Sure Missy, lay it on
me. You know our cat, like your name? She was shot by a
friend of mine on a hunting trip in the backyard, couple years
ago. I told him not to take cheapshots back there, but you
know, sometimes even your best buddies don’t always listen to
you.
Melissa: I’m sorry to hear that
Mr. Shrub. I hope your friend isn’t nearby today. What
else do you see as your major accomplishments?
Mr. Shrub: Let’s talk about the
health care!
Melissa: Yes, let’s do
that. The health of the world. Global warming.
Perhaps this is the biggest environmental issue that our nation,
and the world, faces today. Can you elaborate on what your
term in office has done to embrace this issue?
Mr. Shrub: Oh yes. Igor,
that little monster, is the expert on this. We have followed
his lead and are ready to embrace this issue.
Melissa: And what do those plans
entail?
Mr. Shrub: We need to find
alternative fossil fuels. Gas is running on empty.. hee
hee. Get it? Anyhow, we are well aware of the effects
of global worming.
Melissa: Did you say
“worming”?
Mr. Shrub: Can’t say we have good
hearing skills, eh kitty cat? Yes, I said global worming.
Melissa: Worms… you said
worms? Please explain.
Mr. Shrub: OK, I haven’t even
made this public yet, but contrary to what most people think, the
biggest environmental problem we face is global worming.
These things are taking over the earth. They are emitting
astronomical amounts of CO² and other dangerous things. Not
to mention the bad smell. Until we can conquer global
worming, all other environmental issues must take a back seat.
Melissa: So it is worms that are
warming the earth?
Mr. Shrub: Call it what you
want. Until the worms are eliminated, we will continue to
warm up and the earth will really smell bad in a few years.
We do not want our grandchildren to grow up in a smelly
environment.
Melissa: Mr. Shrub, our time is
about up for this interview. I think our listeners would
appreciate a final statement from you. Can you sum up the
things that you think your administration has accomplished?
Mr. Shrub: Yes, I can do that,
yes, yes. You did a nice job in bringing up the common ground
that has brought our nation together in these tough times. Yes. I
think I can literate a little on this. We are armed to fight
the enemy, without worrying about our child’s left behind, and are
prepared to abolish global worming. If the next
administration can carry these forward and bring resolution, we
will have accomplished something.
Melissa: Thank you for your time
Mr. Shrub. I’m sure our listeners today will put your
messages to good use.
Mr. Shrub: You’re welcome
Missy. And remember, a bird in the hand is worth more than
two in the bush.
Melissa: Exactly. Goodnight
Mr. Shrub.