Bears! Traditional Cache
Hidden : 2/3/2008
Difficulty:
2.5 out of 5
Terrain:
3.5 out of 5

Size: Size: regular (regular)

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Geocache Description:


Folks, its Dr. Stephen T. Colbert (B.F.A) here, from the highest rated show* on television- The Colbert Report.

I come before you today as a very concerned fellow Geocacher. We are facing a crisis here in America, Edmonton. This crisis is the proliferation of bears, the all-around acceptance of bears, and teddy bears placed in Geocaches.

I apologize for the misleading name of this cache. In fact, statistics show that Bears are the #3 threat to Geocachers. The number 2 threat, of course, is EPCOR electric utility boxes (thanks, Johnnygeo, for ruining that fun). The number 1 threat to Geocachers is bears disguised as EPCOR electric boxes.

You see folks, they may look cute, but bears are really Godless killing machines. Even teddy bears. Would you give your child a stuffed terrorist for their birthday? Of course not. You would give them something safe, like a Made-in-China dollar-store toy, or a gun to protect themselves from bears.

Our forefathers endorsed the latter, of course, in the Second Amendment. And don’t give me that rhetoric about how the Second Amendment doesn’t apply in Canada; the truth transcends political boundaries. And every child has the right to be safe, too.

So, my fellow geocachers, I suggest that you go find my new Geocache. If you don’t, you will be supporting the bears and the terrorists. Because if you can’t find it, it’s likely because of fear. And being afraid is exactly what the bears want you to be. It’s that simple, folks.

To discourage bears and other evil creatures from finding this cache, I have ensured that it is completely inaccessible to bears. Please do not put any pro-bear propaganda in this cache. This includes teddy bears, Care Bears, Winnie the Pooh, Anti-Forest Fire related propaganda (Smokey the bear has an agenda, folks), California Flags, Chicago memorabilia (home to both the Cubs and the Bears, Chicago may be bear headquarters). Just to be cautious, please avoid any University of Alberta-related items, as this unholy institution is home to both the “Golden Bears” and the “Pandas”.

Just in case you are not convinced of the situation, I have included several other disturbing facts that may help skew your opinion of these dangerous creatures:

Random Bear Facts***

-96% of all muggled Geocaches are directly or indirectly linked to bear-related activities.

-Bears have been known to post false Geocaches on Geocaching.com. When an innocent cacher finds his way to the posted coordinates, he is devoured by the hungry bear and his bear-friends.

-DANGER: “CARW2008: A Beautiful Waterfall Spot With a $1000 FTF Prize” is a trap! Do not go there; you will get eaten.

-Bears are known to be “honey junkies”. Thus, bears are directly responsible for promoting childhood obesity and Type II Diabetes.

-Bears hate Geocaching and everything it stands for.

-Bears are actively lobbying the US Government to re-encrypt GPS satellite data to prevent Geocaching. It’s war, folks.

-Bears are ruthless killing machines

-Evidence shows that Geocachers are among bears’ favorite meals. This is evidenced through fecal examination showing that most bear-poop contains berries, fish, travelbugs and Garmin components.

-Bears use Tabasco sauce for eye drops

-Bears often mate with eagles, giving birth to “beagles”. Beagles are dangerous animals too, and should not be taken Geocaching under any circumstances. A safety-concerned Geocacher should avoid this pro-beagle cache.
One final note: access to this cache is through the Cameron Heights subdivision. Do not go down the road to the water treatment plant; there is no parking available, and you will be trespassing on private property if you go this way.

And oh yeah, this is a CARW2008 cache. Don't hunt it out before March 7, 2008 at 5:30 pm. If find it before then, you must be a supporter of the bears.

Original cache contents include a good deal of tools to bear-proof your own caches. Please trade fairly.
*As rated by “Colbert Weekly” magazine
**The above description is satire. Please take everything with a grain of salt. Unless you have high-blood pressure; then perhaps take it with a grain of sodium-free seasoning.
***For more information on bears, please visit http://www.wikiality.com/Bears

Additional Hints (Decrypt)

Ubj qb lbh znxr n orne-cebbs pnpur?!

Decryption Key

A|B|C|D|E|F|G|H|I|J|K|L|M
-------------------------
N|O|P|Q|R|S|T|U|V|W|X|Y|Z

(letter above equals below, and vice versa)


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