Day 1: My dearest darling Peter,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet
partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting,
romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,Tracey
Day 2:, Beloved Peter,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away
in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,Tracey
Day 3: My darling Peter,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of
sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way
from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect
we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted, Tracey
Day 4: Dearest Peter,What a surprise! Four calling birds
arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call
rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I
expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home.
Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Tracey
Day 5: Dearest,The mailman has just delivered five most
beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting
perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived
yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of
us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the
rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour.
This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.
Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,Tracey
Day 6: Dear Peter ,Whatever I expected to find when I
opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking
great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped
that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them,
and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well,
but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love,Tracey
Day 7: Peter,I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This
morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to
get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's
happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of
birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please,
please, stop!
Your Tracey
Day 8: Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with
eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If
so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Tracey
Day 9: Look here, Peter,This has gone far enough. You say
you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging
from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village
just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos,
with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and
it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship,
which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour
at once!
Tracey
Day 10: As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are
prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before
the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of
them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids.
Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall
never speak to you again.
Tracey
Day 11: This is the last straw! You
know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between
a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared
this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an
ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're
satisfied.
Day 12: Sir,Our client, Miss Tracey Hoile , instructs me
to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this
morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony
Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left
open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning
her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much
assorted livestock.
Yours sincerely
J. Nutter
Solicitor.