Ursa Major: Hey! What did everybody win at the fabulous Celebrate 5,000 Days of Geocaching event raffle at the Ancient Pasta Plant?
Blue: I won a cherry Russian Swiss Army Knife!
BI: I snared a well-camoed ammo can.
RingKings: I scored a couple really nice geocoins!
Xklondike Brown: I got a rock.
tschhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!.... tschhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... !!!
Wizard of Fizz
I am Fizz, the Red and Devious! Who are you? Who are you?
Duckey
I - If you please, I - I am Duckey - the small but feisty. We've come to ask you -
Wizard of Fizz
Silence!
Duckey
Oh! Ohhh - Lemony Snickets!
Wizard of Fizz
The Red and Devious Fizz knows why you have come. Step forward, KanMan!
KanMan
Ohhhhh!
Wizard of Fizz
You dare to come to me for sushi, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!
KanMan
Ohh--yes-yes, sir-Y-Yes, Your Honor. You see, a while back, we were walking down the El Camino Real, and -
Wizard of Fizz
Quiet!
KanMan
Ohhhhh!
Wizard of Fizz
And you, Penguinspooker, have the effrontery to ask for a rock - you billowing bale of bovine fodder!
Penguinspooker
Y-Yes - Yes, Your Honor - I mean, Your Excellency - I - I mean - Your Fizzardry!
Wizard of Fizz
Enough! Uhh - and you - Cat!!
Well?
Duckey
Oh - oh - oh! You ought to be ashamed of yourself - frightening him like that, when he came to you for help!
Wizard of Fizz
Silence! Whippersnapper! The beneficent Fizz has every intention of granting your requests!
Galileo the Cat
What's that? What'd he say?
Duckey
Oh, come on.
Galileo the Cat
Huh? What'd he say -
Wizard of Fizz
But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the wingtips of the Wicked Dragon of the West.
KanMan
B-B-B-B-But if we do that, we'll have to slice and dice him to get it!
Wizard of Fizz
Bring me his wingtips and I'll grant your requests....Now go!
Galileo the Cat
But - but what if he charbroils us first?
Wizard of Fizz
I said - GO!!
Galileo the Cat
Ohhhhh!!
I deeply apologize. The TV seems to have mysteriously changed channels. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
To receive the final coordinates, simply click on Schroeder, listen to the ditty and enter the "original key" of the composition as one word (no spaces) into Certitude, e.g. C♯minor, D♭diminished. 
You can validate your puzzle solution with certitude
Congratulations to the mytwndr/tendara and Tattletales teams for being the 1st and 2nd to say, "I got a rock." 