Here are two games of Mornington Crescent. The players are Barry (B), Graeme (G), Jeremy (J), Linda* (L), Tim (T) and Willie* (W). The chair is Jack (D). There is an audience (A).
The rules will be well known to any educated reader, but do note the chair’s explanations of the variations in force.
*The reader will see that Willie, Linda and indeed Humphrey play little part in these games. That would be because of the sad fact that they had all passed on years before. Alas, since this round of Mornington Crescent Jeremy, Tim and Barry have joined them in the great knip in the sky. :(
| D: |
I see from the weight of the postbag that the postman has taken to delivering coal again.
Since last week we have been inundated by a letter…
It’s from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales. |
| A: |
Hooray! |
| D: |
She writes, “Dear Nicholas, how about a signed photo?”
Well, thank you Mrs Trellis. I’ll put it over here. |
|
| D: |
Now it’s time to play Mornington Crescent. |
| A: |
Hooray! |
| D: |
We will be awarding points. And what do points mean? |
| A: |
Prizes. |
| D: |
Sigh. Actually, today’s prize will be of interest to any platinum blonde hipsters – it’s this battery operated beard dimmer. |
| A: |
Oooh! |
|
| D: |
Sigh. As we are in the fine city of Leicester, and playing for the prestigious Armitage Shanks Bowl, we will be playing according to the rarely used January 2015 Leicester rules. These are a bit tricky as they forbid the Overground and the DLR but include Moreton’s Diagonal Convention and Hugo’s Diminutive Stratagem. It hardly needs saying that main line stations are therefore wild. |
| A: |
Murmur of agreement. |
| D: |
Barry, I’d like you to … no, I can’t lie … Barry, you can start. |
|
| B: |
Lambeth North. |
| G: |
(Approvingly) You’re using a bishop’s gambit I see. |
| B: |
Archbishop’s gambit! It’s good when Moreton’s is in fork, er force. |
| T: |
OK, Oxford Circus. |
| G: |
He’s played this before. We could be forced into baulk here or even to Tottenham Court Road. |
| D: |
January 2015 rules… |
| G: |
Oh yes I can’t go to Tottenham Court Road. But (brightens up) main line stations are wild. Euston. |
| T: |
Living dangerously! |
| G: |
Close to the edge… |
| J: |
Is it my turn? |
| D: |
Sigh. Yes. How long does this go on? |
| J: |
Finsbury Park. |
| B: |
Isn’t that a diagonal? |
| T: |
Not with Moreton’s. |
| B: |
Oh yes. But I can still go for Cockfosters. |
| A: |
Titters. |
| D: |
Sigh. |
| T: |
You’ve put me in knip. Ummmm … Arnos Grove. |
| B: |
That’s a reverse move! |
| T: |
Yes. |
| B: |
Oh, OK. |
| G: |
King’s Cross St Pancras. |
| J: |
Can I play a lateral here? |
| B: |
No, surely not. |
| G: |
Under Hugo’s? We need a ruling. Jack? |
| D: |
(Aside, evidently not paying attention) Lower, lower. What? |
| G: |
Can he play a lateral? |
| D: |
He can play a lateran for all I care. |
| J: |
OK, Westbourne Park. |
| B: |
(Quick as a flash, with no hesitation) Royal Oak. |
| T: |
Have you got a royal flush? |
| B: |
Never you mind. |
| T: |
I’m going to have to huff. |
| B: |
Not in front of the audience, please. |
| G: |
That means it’s my turn. King’s Cross St Pancras. |
| J: |
You’ve been there before. |
| G: |
Yes, but it’s not a loop move. Main line stations are wild, and there’s an ‘r’ in the month. |
| J: |
OK, Seven Sisters. |
| T: |
That’s a bit dangerous. |
| J: |
It’s OK. Remember that nudges are out of bounds after a diagonal. |
| B: |
Can we go back to main line stations? |
| G: |
Yes, we’ve established that. WE’LL GO OUT FOR A WALK LATER. |
| B: |
Euston. |
| G: |
Not that one! |
| T: |
Mornington Crescent! |
| A: |
Applauds.
|
| D: |
Schopenhauer wrote that life swings between pain and boredom. He didn’t mention having both at the same time. There’s time for another chukka. |
| A: |
Applauds. |
| D: |
Sigh. Jeremy, you can start this time. |
| J: |
North Harrow. |
| G: |
That’s easy. Finchley Road. |
| T: |
Great Portland Street. Check. |
| B: |
Yes, dangerous. But moves across consecutive diagonals are prohibited unless you’re in Knip. So I can safely go to Paddington. |
| T: |
Remember Hugo’s includes suspension of the blind side boundary. |
| J: |
Oh yes, so I can play Putney Bridge. |
| G: |
Good play. That leaves us vulnerable, and the bases are loaded. |
| B: |
Yes, they could win by yorikiri if we’re not careful. But vertical play is allowed. |
| G: |
Right. Wimbledon Park. |
| B: |
South of the river! I wouldn’t have thought of that. |
| T: |
I need to get north of the river or we’ll be off-side. Notting Hill Gate. |
| J: |
Can we have a timeout? |
| D: |
No, that would just prolong the agony. |
| B: |
Hmmm, Notting Hill Gate. Not brilliant, but safe. Though I can go to Westminster. |
| J: |
Simplon. |
| T: |
No, you can’t use any ‘s’s. Anyway, that’s in Paris. |
| J: |
Sorry, Embankment. |
| T: |
That’s better. In fact it’s a brilliant move. |
| G: |
I haven’t any choice. Euston. |
| J: |
I thought we couldn’t use any ‘s’s? |
| T: |
We can again after you triangulated. |
| J: |
Did I? |
| T: |
Yes, but that’s fine. Barry. It’s your go. |
| B: |
Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the library. |
| G: |
(Murmurs in Barry’s ear) |
| B: |
Sorry. I dropped off there. Why is it my go? |
| T: |
Jeremy triangulated and Graeme played a vertical, so I have to take a standing count. |
| B: |
Of course. Old Street. |
| G: |
Silly mid-off, and there aren’t any timeouts or pit stops. So I have to play next and go to Camden Town. |
| T: |
I told you it was a brilliant move. |
| J: |
Mornington Crescent! |
| A: |
Applauds. |
|
| D: |
Is it over? |
And so, as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair... you can check your answer, and there is a little more information, at: