The Legend of the Frog
(excerpted from a collection of Appalachian creation myths recently found on a previously secret email server)
Dear child, you have heard many stories from the creation of these mountains. Stories like the one about River Otter and how she made the first moonshine from the light of the moon; the tale of the Firefly Storm that buried shining gemstones in the rock; the tale of brave Akwapulski, who found the strange toadstool that grew and grew until it became Dollywood… These and many more stories are well known to you, having been passed down from the first days, from elder to youngster, from moon to moon. But have you heard the Legend of the Frog? Settle back and let me tell you a story that is short in the telling but long in the making…
Now in those days, before the Creator put a tail on Panther, before Lightning married Thunder, even before WalMart was found on the Earth, the Creator created one creation that was More Beloved by the Creator than any other creation. The Creator continued to create, and eventually established on earth all of the creatures and things and places we know. But even after the Creator rested, there was still one creature that was More Beloved than any other creature. And all was good.
Then one day, the Creator was teaching the animals who they were and how to get by in the world. Finally, it was Frog’s turn. The Creator was explaining to Frog about his great new tongue, and how it could be used to provide sustenance for Frog and amusement for all the other animals -- except flying insects, which, of course, were less amused by Frog’s great tongue. Naturally, Frog was grateful, and leapt for joy. The Creator was happy to see Frog’s gratitude, and decided to further bless Frog with great new legs so that he would be a prodigious leaper.
But then, oh child… what happened next!
What happened next was that Frog leaped a prodigious leap with his great new legs, and flung out his great new tongue and SMAK! He gobbled up the very creature that was the Most Beloved of the Creator!
Dear child, I can tell you the Heavens wept for many days after that! And oh, the evil that was visited upon creation as a result of Frog’s evil greed! Traffic jams… hangnails… restrictive geocache placement polices…
Of course, Frog ran for his life when he realized what he had done. His strong new legs pushed him faster and faster, until finally he found a hiding place that he hoped was safe.
But the Creator knew where Frog was hidden. And he sent the other creatures to see if they could get Frog to open his mouth and return the Most Beloved creature.
First, He sent Horse. Horse used his powerful hooves to pound on Frog like a hammer, and Frog was disabled for a while, but he did not open his mouth. Then Rabbit was sent. Rabbit used his teeth like a screwdriver, trying to pry Frog’s mouth open. Once again, Frog was disabled for a while, but his mouth would not open. Tornado tried to twist Frog’s head clean off! But even Tornado could not get Frog’s mouth open. Then Mosquito was sent.
Mosquito was never heard from again.
Many other creatures were sent, and all tried to use exceptional force, but none could get Frog’s mouth open.
Finally, the Creator sent Snake. This was before Snake had been given his fangs, so Snake wasn’t able to apply any truly violent force. But wonder of wonders, child… Snake returned to the Creator and all the other creatures, and proclaimed, “Using my natural skills, I was able to open Frog’s mouth! I looked inside, and saw there the Creator’s Most Beloved. But that, dear friends, is all I have to say about the matter.” And he slithered off.
In the following days, the Most Beloved creature was again seen on the face of the Earth, evidently having escaped from Frog when Snake opened Frog’s mouth. And the Creator was so pleased that he forgave Frog, and proclaimed that, in return for releasing the Most Beloved creature, Frog would be permitted to carry inside his mouth the image of the Most Beloved one.
Then the Creator even built a backwoods amphitheater near Frog's hiding spot. Eventually, this was the site of the first Appalachian Greek Theater, hosting such world premieres as "Ain't I Gone?", and "Meteor", and even one called "The Frogs", which of course was a favorite of Frog's. Later, though, the site declined into a seedy dinner theater that finally closed for good in 1974. But in the good old days, Frog's hiding spot became a box seat, which still offers him a commanding view of occasional woodland performances.
Now, child, I know you must be wondering, "Well, what is the creature that was Most Beloved by the Creator?" So I will tell you this secret: It is said to this day, that if you, child, know how to find Frog’s hiding place, and if you can figure out how to open Frog’s mouth like Snake did (without using excessive force that would cause Frog to become disabled), you, too may still be able to see there in his mouth (not in his belly), the image of the creature that is Most Beloved by the Creator.
Good luck to you, dear child.
…here ends the telling…
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