The story you are about to hear is true. All the names and all the details have been changed to protect the Dudes and their affiliates. Dudes wear orange in the woods because it is safe and fashionable. Dudes always respect private property and never trespass. Dudes CITO whenever possible. Be safe. Be cool. Be a Dude.
(to be read in a high, nasal voice in the style of detective noire)
This is the forest. A strange, rustic place filled with mystery and uncertainty. A few thousand critters call this place home, and a lot of them are up to no good. That's where I come in. I'm a detective.
It was an average Tuesday when my door opened and she walked in. She was tall and mysterious, and the look in her eye told me she was in pain.
"Are you Sam Squirrel, private eye?" she asked pulling the briars from her legs. She was human, not unusual in this part of the woods, but a little odd without orange clothing.
"What can I do for you maam?" She seemed a bit more at ease and slipped into the office chair across from me.
"My name is Mrs. Dude. My husband and his business partner went missing in these woods a while ago and the police are just giving up." She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. "I heard you could find people when others could not."
"I'm not gonna lie. I know about your husband and his friend. The forest gangs are calling them trespassers, and the cops are happy to let them get dealt with by the gangs." Her face seemed to sag as I said this. " The word on the street is they fell out of the sky and cheated a bear. The Crits usually eat folks for doing less than that." I leaned back in my chair and looked at the ceiling. "Sure, I'll take the case. I make no promises but I'll do my best." She seemed relieved and stood up.
"Thank you Mr. Squirrel, I knew you would help me!" I walked her to the other side of my rock watched her leave. That Dame was crazy tall, still I knew of a certain beaver that had been arrested recently. I just had to go see him in prison. I grabbed my hat and headed to the lock up.......(to be continued)