This cache has been placed for the 2022 Calgary Spring Fling Event with the intention that it not be located prior to 8:00 am on Saturday, March 19th, 2022. The caches for this event are released early so that the geocaching community has an opportunity to plan their routes and strategies prior to the event start. Feel free to find as many or as few caches as you can and want. During the hunt, please document the time of find in the logbook. This makes things more interesting by informing subsequent finders how close they are on your tail.
This cache is NOT at the posted coordinates.
The posted coordinates are not meant to be a reflection of any personal opinion or intended to be part of any social commentary on who or what constitutes as clueless.
There are many cachers out there who absolutely love puzzle caches. I mean, just LOVE them. And it seems like the tougher, the better. A D5.0 is nothing to them. They do those over breakfast, to paraphrase a popular cliché. "No problem," they tell themselves and brag to anyone else who will listen, "I could even make a tougher puzzle."
And then there's the REST of us...
This cache is a tribute to those cachers out there. A puzzle for the REALLY clueless....
This cache can be found at the following coordinates:
North AB CD.EFG West HIJ KL.MNO
Read carefully and fill in the coordinate letters with the following:
A = The number of times in the last two minutes that you uttered the words "I love puzzle caches." or "I hate puzzle caches." or "What's a puzzle cache?" or any other related phrase. Oh come on, people, you knew this one was a 5 before you even started reading!
B = Find the date for this cache owner's birthday (month, day, and year). Convert all the numbers into words; then translate all of it into Latin. Next, calculate the sum for all the letters in that date. Multiply that by the CO's age in days (don't forget about leap years). Add 659,353. Divide that number by 847.225; then get the cube root of that. From there, subtract the number of seconds since May 2nd, 2000, midnight Pacific Standard Time (be aware of daylight savings too). Then discard the resulting number and just use 1. (You already knew this one too, didn't you?)
C = Time to get serious now. Let's start with the number 2, good ol' basic 2. Then add 2 to that number. Double that value. Square that resulting number. Multiply that next number by 2. Divide that number by 2. Get the square root of that number. Round the result to 2 decimal places. Repeat all those steps 2 more times. Verify your work twice. Do you think you know what the answer for this question is going to? Here's the last step then - multiply that last number by zero. HA! 0 is the actual answer we're looking for.
D = Find the 10 digits following the 43,503,864th position in pi, multiply that number by the first 10 digits of e. Then subtract that number from the 100 digits found before the 9893th digit in phi. If you're confused, just use 3.
E = You are a bus driver. At the first stop, the bus picks up 8 people. At the next stop, 3 of those people get off but another 14 get on. At the 3rd stop, 5 more passengers come onboard after 1 person disembarks. At the next stop, in front of a school, no one gets off but three quarters of their band climbs aboard. The rest of the band tries to get on as well but the bus is just too full with all their equipment. As a result, the bus has to drive by the next 3 stops because there's no more room, angering the 8, 1, and 4 people patiently waiting at those stops respectfully. Thankfully the band's percussion section (and all their instruments) get off at the next stop and are replaced by 15 new passengers (with no extra equipment). No one else gets off or on at the next two stops so the bus drives right by. 6 riders get off at the following stop. Then 9 more people clamour aboard for the last few seats at the next stop. The route continues with exactly 4 people getting off at each of the next 4 stops, but replaced by 2, 7, 1, and 6 new passengers at the various stops. Got it? Have you written down all the pertinent details, finished all the calculations? The question is - how many letters are there in the bus driver's name? Wait a minute, this won't work. The answer could be different for every person. It's probably easier to use 5 instead.
F = Balance this equation
C2952H4664N812O832S8Fe4 + Na2C4H3O4SAu + Fe(SCN)2
+ Fe(NH4)2(SO4)2∙6H2O + C4H8Cl2S + C8H12MgN2O8 → C55H72MgN4
+ Na3.99Fe(CN)6 + Au0.987SC6H11O5 + HClO4 + H2S
Then calculate the digital root from the first digit of every coefficient in the balanced equation. Want to compare answers? Did you get 5? Good. That's what I got too.
G = 七 How about an easy one after such a tough question? What?!? What do you mean you can't read Chinese? That's the character for 7 then.
HIJ = Yeah, you’re learning. You've already written down 114, haven’t you?
K = Pick a number, any number between 1 and 10. Is it 0? Good for you, you got it right!
L = One train leaves Edmonton at 2:10pm going towards the final location of this cache at the speed of 145 km/h. Another train leaves L.A. (Lethbridge, Alberta) at 3:25pm travelling at 85 km/h going north towards this cache as well. Do the two trains actually meet at the cache location and if so, at what time? Uh oh, I was just told you can't solve this without knowing the final location of this cache which you can't get without the answer to this question, making this what they call a circular reference problem. As a result, the reviewers say I have to give you the answer to this question so it's 4. Don't tell anyone else.
M = OK, this one is going to be really hard: take the number 8. And then... never mind, just use that number.
N = You're probably sick of math by now. We're almost done so let's take a break and recharge. It's time to be a little existential. How about some mediation before we wrap this up? Close your eyes now OMMM Relax OMMmmmm Relaxxxx OMmmmmmmm Clear your mind Ommmmmmmmm Focus on the emptiness. Think about the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything now. Do you see the answer? Go towards it. Is it front of you? Can you touch it? Feel it? Go ahead, grab it. Got it? It's overwhelming. I know. Take that answer now. Divide it by 6 now. Is that better? How many pieces do you have now? That's what we're seeking here. Focus on that... What? You couldn't relax? You didn't see the answer? You couldn't count? Fine. Douglas Adams says he's disappointed but he tells me the answer you're looking for here is 7. You'll have to figure out the bigger answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything on your own now.
O = Let's get back to something a little more concrete, more black and white (Math is your friend!). Start with the 5th term in the Fibonacci sequence. Multiply that by the 4th number in the Hexagonal numbers series. Subtract the result from the 3rd central polygonal number. Divide that by the 2nd perfect square. Add the 1st term from the look-and-say sequence to that number. And finally, as an homage to Question C, let's raise that number to the power of zero and then multiply that number by 2. No tricks this time. Trust me, the answer really is 2 this time.
P = No, there isn’t any letter P in the coordinates. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
The final location for this cache can be a high muggle traffic area so stealth may be required. If you are patient, there will be gaps in the muggles but be aware of muggles from all elevations and directions. It's very easy for one of them to sneak up on you. 
The cache should be in a place that provides some muggle protection at least.
The terrain level at ground zero may vary with the seasons and weather so please be careful when approaching and while searching.
Please bring your own pen(cil)/writing instrument to sign the log and be gentle with the cache. Be aware to return the cache back to the same place and in exactly the same way for the next person(s) to enjoy.
And one last shoutout to rnrgrl for introducing this puzzle concept to me with her aptly named cache - A puzzle cache for the clueless.
I've tried to track down all the other Clueless puzzles out there and consolidated them into a list - Puzzles for the Really Clueless. It can be found along the right-hand side of this page under Bookmark Lists. They're all ready to be found, assuming you can solve them. No problem, right? You're an expert now. If you know of any other similar caches or if you want to replicate this in your area, please let me know and I will add those caches to the list so that other cachers can be made aware.
Enjoy!