I’m a guy. I don’t understand women. Help me.
I do know that the final coordinates are at N 33 AB.CDE W 97 FG.HIJ.
- What is this two headed thing above the placemats?
Dishrag A=0
Table runner A=1
Doily A=2
- What is this supposed to be?
Eyelash curler B=5
Medeival fingernail torture device B=6
Potato peeler B=7
- What’s this style of hair called?
The Rachel C=8
Mohawk C=0
Bayalage C=9
- My wife went to an arts and crafts community education class about all things knitting. She made this. I’m supposed to say, “Oh honey, what wonderful use of…umm…what?"
Hardanger D=6
Crochet D=5
Long underwear with the flap in the back so you can use the can without having to get nekkid D=4
- I’m not even gonna ask.
Cheetah stapler E=7
Waffle maker E=1
Hair straightener E=3
- Great, another community education class. What kind of Frenchy garbage is this now?
Decoupage F=0
Aide-moi F=1
Agrafeuse guepard F=2
- If I’m not willing to take dance lessons, I may lose her to this dance troupe.
Jabbawockeez G=5
Thunder From Down Under G=6
Chippendales G=7
- I’ve never heard that word before in my life.
Endometriosis H=3
Tulle H=4
Feelings H=5
- Honey, please don’t fit the stereotype.
This is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s closet I=1
"I’ve got nothing to wear…" I=2
If my wife bought all these clothes for a grand total of 12 cents, I=3
- Two classically attractive white people run into each other in the oddest of places. It usually involves some kind of exploding machismo the male lead can’t suppress. The woman is traditionally beautiful, morally sound and usually in need of help throughout the story. The man is a charmer with low self-worth but undyingly protective. If it's not cold-hearted fathers or money separating them, then it's probably distance, professions or ex-lovers — AKA one-dimensional dudes who are straight-up terrible. They suddenly make the plot insanely melodramatic, whether they’re stalking, grabbing the woman too forcefully, or coming on to them inappropriately. Someone is probably going to die by the end, main character or not. It’s usually during some kind of climactic life-or-death situation — probably a fire or a shooting or drowning in a river. The usual. But wait! There’s a twist! When they’re not completely random, they’re probably painfully predictable.
Late night informercial for exercise equipment J=4
Super Bowl rerun J=5
For the love of God, another Nicholas Sparks book? J=6
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certitude.