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So I visited my favorite Honkytonk bar tonight. It's a nice place, where everybody knows me, and they're always happy when I show up. This time not looking for anyone in particular, or wanting to play some songs, just to get out of the house and relax and have a drink. Just A drink. I've learned my lesson.
As I walked in the door, I was greeted by Brandy, the hostess: "Welcome back. Are you here for the Trivia Night contest?"
I didn't realize that this bar did trivia night, so I asked for some details.
"Well, we play with two person teams. I can match you up with another of our solo guests if you'd like. There are ten questions. As a team, you write down your answers to the questions. The team with the most correct answers wins."
"Sounds simple enough," I said. "What's the prize?"
"A bull and a finch," Brandy replied.
I didn't really need any livestock or birds, but it sounded strange enough to pique my interest. "Sure, I'm in."
She brought me over to the end of the bar (towards the pool room) where a mustachioed man with grey hair was having a beer. She asked if he would mind if I played as his partner, and he readily agreed.
The contest itself was quite strange. The questions made very little sense on their own, and while I had no clue on any of them, my partner had answers...strange answers indeed. But I'm not going to tell you his answers. I'll give you the questions, plus three possible answers. One is (approximately) his, the other two are made up. Can you spot his answers? Here's a little-known fact: he actually had a perfect score on the test, even if his answers weren't right.
A. Why doesn't Maggie have to worry about being cold during the Canadian Winter?
2. She can always take a trip to Florida if the weather turns bad.
1. The Canadian government now provides immigrants with a seal-fur-lined parka upon entry to the country.
0. Women have that extra layer of fat.
B. Who are Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz, and Lucille LeSeuer?
0. The only three survivors in the first-ever "Everglades Pancake Breakfast / 10K Fun Run"
9. The Postmasters General of the US, The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and the City of Boston, respectively.
8. Three people who have never been in my kitchen.
C. Who was destined to win the 1984 US Presidential election?
2. Due to a tie in the Electoral College, and a typo in the U.S. Constitution, it was a Yellow Lab puppy named "Sparky".
1. Someone named Yelnik McWawa.
0. W. T. H. Boyd.
D. Where are the roots of male aggression located?
0. In the DNA molecule itself, right up around 1:00.
9. Outside the ancient City of Troy.
8. Right behind the Adam's apple.
E. What is a Freudian slip?
7. A fancy bit of women's lingerie popularized in Vienna.
6. Confusing the functions of the id with the dreams of the ego.
5. When you say one thing but are thinking about a mother.
F. What is "That Little Taste of Cairo?"
2. A falafel restaurant around the corner from Gary's O.T.T.
0. A 1952 musical-comedy film featuring Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford.
1. Beetabaga fajita in a pita.
G. What rule prevents postal workers from dating women?
1. Once you've given your heart to Lady Post, no physical woman has a chance.
0. There is no rule. It just works out that way.
9. U.S. Male Delivery Code 3.11, Sec. 4d
H. Where were cows domesticated?
4. Along the Thames River. Little-known fact: The name "London" actually means "sleepy beast" in ancient Druidic.
3. In Mesopotamia. They were also used in China as guard animals for the Forbidden City.
2. Out on the fertile grounds of Boston Common, near the Swan Boat pond. Cows are naturally becalmed in the presence of swans.
I. Where was the first Thanksgiving?
9. It took place between the ancient Egyptians and aliens from a distant galaxy.
8. Near Istanbul. Of course, it was called Constantinople, then. Either way, Turkey was involved.
7. Plymouth Plantation, duh.
J. Why didn't Doc Severinsen blow out the candles on his birthday cake as a kid?
0. As a trumpeter, blowing out candles uses a different set of muscles, and he didn't want to confuse his lungs.
9. Doc had a little pyromania issue when he was young, but he's over that now.
8. He's so old that they didn't have fire yet.
I let him keep both the bull and the finch. He earned them.