Unless (KPC2021) Mystery Cache

The internet has all kinds of stuff, but hopefully you don't get sucked into all that, or else this puzzle will probably end up befuddling you.

• Beats an army tent and a cot in the mud.
• And who's the groom?
• So, mi casa es su casa!
• The inspector never dated a woman under 250 pounds.
• History records but few flawless farewells -- Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot.
• You had me at "hello".
• This isn't your flat, Anthony.
• Here's looking at you, kid.
• They cry. They plead. They beg. They piss themselves.
• You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.
• Why are my tribal vases under the sink?
• All actresses are as mad as snakes.
• Whole different thing, right? Sweet, crisp, slight tang on the finish.
• Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?
• Gator needs his gat, you punk!

You can validate your puzzle solution with certitude.

Special Notes about the 2021 Puzzle Challenge: To be considered for Fastest Solver points, you must verify your solution with Certitude. Finders will receive Top Finder points when submitting Found It logs to the cache page. All "point" scoring is arbitrary, subject to change, at the discretion of the cache owner, and probably completely meaningless (unless you just want to be announced sooner at the celebration party, if one even happens in 2022, as we didn't have one in 2020 and it looks dubious as to whether we'll have one in 2021). The real challenge is to see whether I can even figure out how to create a new puzzle each month this year! To maintain fairness, hints should not be offered by the cache owner or other solvers until the fifteenth of the month.

Special Notes about this month's puzzle: I used TWL3 as my reference.

First To Solve: kcmcacher (143 minutes)
First To Log: lmt000 (4 hours)
Named pre-hint solvers: 19
Pre-hint finds logged: 6
KPC2021 Solvers Scoreboard
KPC2021 Finders Scoreboard
Previous KPC Puzzle: Travel Dreaming (KPC2021)
Next KPC Puzzle: International Gastronomic Committee (KPC2021)