A pirate walks into a bar wearin’ a paper towel instead o’ a ‘at. He sits down at the bar and orders some rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
RRRRRAAA!
Are pirates team players?
No! There be no AYE in “team”!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrup--
ARRRRRRR!
Why be pirates wearin’ only one earring?
Ear piercin’s spendy – costs a buck an ear! ARRRR!
What do you call a stupid pirate?
The pillage idiot!
What is a pirate's favourite type of music?
ARRRR and B!
What be having 8 eyes and 8 legs and drinks rum?
8 pirates!
A shipwrecked pirate found a lamp washed up on the beach. The lamp is dirty, so he rubs it clean, and a great genie comes out, granting him any three wishes he wants.
“I’ll be wishin’ fer a huge mug o’ ale that can ne’er run dry!” the pirate shouts.
"Granted," says the genie. And there’s a tankard full of ale in the pirate's hand.
The pirate downs the entire mug, and, as promised, it magically refills itself. He empties it again, and it, again, magically refills, just like he wanted.
"Ahh but that be mighty fine!" he says.
"And what about your second and third wished?" asks the genie.
The pirate says:
"I'll be ‘avin’ two mo-arr jus’ like this!"
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I ran into my pirate friend, the Cap’n, and he was looking pretty bad. I asked the Cap’n: “Cap’n,” I says, “you look like you’ve had a rough go of it!”
“Aye,” Cap’n says, “but what be makin’ ye say so?”
“Well,” I says, “you’ve only got 1 leg – th’ other’s wooden. Any only a hook for a hand. And an eyepatch!”
“Aye,” Cap’n says. “It’s a bit o’ a rum ‘un.”
“Well,” I says, “what ‘appened to yer leg?”
“Ahh, it were a glorious ship battle, all shoutin’ an’ cannonfire an’ smoke. We carried the day, but not afore a cannonball took me leg clean orff. Now, I’ve got tha wooden leg.”
“But Cap’n! What ‘append to yer ‘and?”
“Ahh, it were a mighty duel. Cutlasses an’ all, back an’ forth acrost the deck. I sent ‘im down ta see old Hob, but not afore the scallywag sliced orff me ‘and. Now, I’ve got tha hook.”
“But Cap’n! What ‘append to yer eye?”
“Ahh. I warr sittin’ atop the mast, keepin’ a keen lookout, when a seagull flew over, an’ ‘ee pooped in me eye. An’ I ‘ad to wipe it.”
“But Cap’n! Why would that be such a problem?!”
“Well,” replied the Cap’n…
“…it warr the first day I ‘ad me ‘ook!”
Why don’t shipwrecked pirates starve on desert islands?
Why, they jus’ eat the sand which is there.
What do you call the pirate who was thrown overboard?
Bob.
What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
One 'as a rumbling tummy, and t’other's a tumbling rummy! ARR!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!