Wompus the Sasquatch

An Urgent Missive from the Mossy Deep 

To Whom It May Concern (Preferably Someone with a Big Boat or a Spare Helicopter),

I hope this letter finds you well and that your boots are waterproof.

My name is Wompus. I hail from the majestic, mist-shrouded forests of the Pacific Northwest—specifically, the damp, glorious slopes of Mount Rainier. For decades, I have lived the life expected of a self-respecting Sasquatch: foraging for fiddlehead ferns, perfecting the art of the subtle trail-crossing, and spending far too much time trying to figure out if my reflection in the creek is truly flattering.

However, a fierce wanderlust—a deep, persistent, pine-needle-in-the-paw ache—has struck my furry soul. I need to see the world! My current view consists primarily of Douglas firs, and frankly, I'm starting to think they're judging me.

My primary goal, the one that makes my massive heart thump like a drum in a damp cave, is an academic exchange with my distant cousin, the Yeti.

• I must trek to the Himalayas. I need a proper comparison of foot-to-snow ratio. Are their prints truly as "abominable" as the stories claim? And, perhaps more importantly, I need to discuss grooming techniques. We PNW Sasquatches favor a low-maintenance, naturally-tangled look. I suspect the Yeti has a rigorous anti-frostbite regimen, and I’m curious if they use a balsam conditioner.

Beyond this crucial research trip, I wish to broaden my mythological horizons. The forest is great, but the global cryptozoological scene is where the real action is.

• I'd like to dip a massive toe into Loch Ness and share a cup of tea (or perhaps a whole pitcher of rainwater) with the magnificent Loch Ness Monster. I’d like to compare notes on the difficulty of remaining hidden in a media-saturated world.

• I've also heard whispers of a creature in the Australian Outback with a penchant for jumping (a Yowie, I believe?). I'd like to challenge them to a friendly long-jump competition. We Sasquatch are surprisingly springy.

• And finally, I've always wanted to visit the land of the Jackalope. I just want to know how they keep those antlers so shiny.

So, good sir or madam, I am formally requesting assistance in my global endeavor. I am a clean traveler (mostly), possess a very deep growl that scares away pesky souvenir vendors, and promise not to leave any conspicuous footprints in your expensive carpeting.

Please let me know how we can arrange the necessary transport for one very large, very enthusiastic, and very woolly world traveler.

Sincerely (and standing approximately 8 feet tall),

Wompus

The Worldly Sasquatch, PNW Chapter

(P.S. Please bring snacks. Berries are preferred.)

Here are some photos from my trip so far!

Day 1 Hitting the ROAD!!

Day 2, San Diego! No sign of the Chupacabra...

Day 3, Made it to Scotland!!! 

A Tan Sasquatch / skunk ape / Bigfoot, sitting in a meditative state, cross legged with his eyes closed and hands together on his lap.