Why Black Suburbans? Traditional Geocache
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Welcome back to the Ocala National Forest. You seek a Clan Riffster camo'ed ammo can along Mormon Creek.
If you were a crow, (not of the "T Robot" variety), you could fly exactly 1/2 mile, straight from the posted parking to the cache. My tracklog showed 1.7 miles round trip, and took me 2.5 hours, which included 4 creek crossings and one quicksand encounter. I reckon I ain't a crow. To reach the posted parking you'll need a 4-wheel drive, as there is a lot of sugar sand and some mud holes to contend with. I'll post an alternate parking area for those driving minivans and such.
Why Black Suburbans? Why indeed...
It was long believed that the decision to equip NSA agents, and their CIA cronies, with black Suburbans was nothing more than some administrator's preference. Yeah, that's what they want you to believe.
The truth might never have come out, save for a chance encounter:
E.G.A.D.S. member Agent StarGazer, (a notorious numbers ho'), recently took a trip to Detroit Michigan to do a cache run. He was sitting in a Starbucks sipping overpriced coffee, when he overheard a conversation between a General Motors executive and an Auto Worker's Union foreman.
The foreman was demanding that GM pay some guy with an 8th grade education, who has been installing lug nuts on cars for the last 20 years, $43.00 an hour. Intrigued, Agent StarGazer focused his considerable attention to the pair, observing that the foreman appeared to be completely serious. Agent StarGazer realized at that moment that the Union foreman must be a Barking Moonbat! (visit link)
He reported his findings to E.G.A.D.S., and found himself nipple deep in a dangerous mission, whose end result was the determination that all of the General Motors Union foremen were, in fact, Barking Moonbats. Whoodathunkit?
That discovery led Agent StarGazer to dig deeper into the General Motors hierarchy, where he discovered a rather odd history for one of their vehicles. According to Super Double Top Secret in-house memos, the Suburban was developed specifically for an as yet unnamed government agency in 1936. Someone who identified themselves only as "Agent Smith", (yeah, right), requested a powerful, 4-wheel drive vehicle capable of hauling lots of people and weapon systems. Thus, the Suburban was born. 70 years later, the Suburban remains the vehicle of choice for ultra classified government missions, including protecting the Alien Hive Queen living in the Ocala National Forest.
The name "Suburban" turns out to be proof that the Aliens do have a quirky sense of humor. In their language, the act of probing a human in their, uh, nether regions, is "Soo-Burb 'ahn". In an attempt to poke fun at the government agents who would be sticking it to the citizens, the Alien Hive Queen selected that word for the newly developed vehicle.
A bit of trivia regarding the color; It seems the government Suburbans aren't really black at all. They are really a light shade of mauve, (the color of the Hive Queen's home world's sky), but the light bending and dampening fields built into the shells of the Suburbans eliminate all reflected light, making them appear black to our eyes.
So, the next time you find yourself dashing through 500 acres of sweltering, exhaust laden blacktop in search of a film canister, dodging soccer moms in SUV's, you can thank you government for inventing them.
Good luck!
FTF prize is a 1965 silver Churchill.
Additional Hints
(Decrypt)
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