Ein kurzer Mystery um einen Text über ein außergewöhnliches
Land, dessen Name durch
???
ersetzt wurde:
The Confusing Country
???
is a very confusing place, taking up a significant amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of
many unusual features, including what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer
cliffs which plunge deep into the surrounding sea. Geologists
assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and
plate tectonics, but they still call it the 'Great
???n
Bight' proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about
???
is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign
lands are classified as either continent, island, or country,
???
is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
Wildlife
The second confusing thing about
???
are the animals. They can be divided into three categories:
poisonous, odd, and sheep.
???
has a large proportion of the world's poisonous arachnids, and more
than its fair share of venomous snakes - there would probably be
even more snakes if the spiders didn't keep eating them! But even
the spiders won't go near the sea (see below). Any visitors should
be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under
toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A
stick is very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the odd)
that are more dangerous. The creature that injures the most people
each year is the common wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its
name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it
hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat injures people in two ways: first, the animal is
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard
???n clay builds muscles that
outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the
roads. Semi-trailers (road trains) have hit them at high speed,
with all nine wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very
annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.
Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical
high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but
not adequately described.
The second way the wombat injures people relates to its
burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a
wombat hole, the wombat will feel the disturbance and think 'Ho! My
hole is collapsing!' at which it will brace its muscled legs and
push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to
prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and
attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to simply bear down
harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their
crushed hand as the wombat prevents them from seeking assistance.
This is considered the third most embarrassing way to die (don't
ask what the first two are), and
???ns don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the platypus, estranged
relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs,
thus combining many of the 'typical'
???n animal attributes into a single
improbable creature.
Last of all is the fact that the sheep, a particularly innocuous
animal, outnumber the humans by an extraordinary ratio.
???ns have an affinity with sheep,
some would say a relationship that is a trifle worrying, and the
love of this animal is expressed so strongly that a huge concrete
monument has been erected to honour the animal in the city of
Goulburn. Sheep are almost as important as beer to
???ns. But not quite.
History
The last confusing thing about
??? is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: some time around 40,000 years ago, some people
arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food,
and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for
the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things,
and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening
time making up strange stories.
Then, around 1770ish, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent over, with a few
deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their
crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the
seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom),
ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep
arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always
consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they
encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of
a civilised culture, they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do
is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot
desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on an
extended holiday and became ???ns.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching
expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit
perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of
their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They
also picked up the most finely-tuned sense of irony in the world,
and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
And then...
There is also the matter of the beaches.
???n beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its
back that will kill you just from the pain), blue-ringed octopuses
(cute little things that can kill you in a second) and
surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk of
all of these.
???ns
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you
would expect ???ns to be a dour lot.
Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to
share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly, and reach for a stick. Major engineering feats have
been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on Earth, they seem to be free from the
'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and
roundly proclaim that ??? is, in
fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land 'Oz',
'Godzone' (a verbal contraction of 'God's Own Country') and 'Best
bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth'. The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do
not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect,
unless you are comparing it to another kind of
???n beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian
shirt. Religion and politics are safe topics of conversation
(???ns don't care too much about
either) but sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to 'So,
howdya like our country, eh?' is 'Best [insert your own regional
swear word here] country in the world!'.
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful
???ns will 'adopt' you, and on your
first night will take you to a pub where
???n beer is served. Despite the
obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You
will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul
taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will
usually make sure you get home, and wave off any legal difficulties
with 'It's his first time in ???, so
we took him to the pub', to which the policeman will sagely nod and
close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to
every other ???n you encounter,
adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the
beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most ???ns are now urban
dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which
is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical ???n Sayings
- G'Day!
- Ken Oath!
- She'll be right.
Tips to Surviving ???
- Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason
whatsoever.
- We mean it.
- The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong
you think it is.
- Always carry a stick.
- Air-conditioning.
- Do not attempt to use any ???n
slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a
fistfight.
- Thick socks.
- Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when
there are people nearby.
- If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water
with you at all times, or you will die.
- Even in the most embellished stories told by
???ns, there is always a core of
truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See also:
- Deserts: How to die in them
- The Stick - second most useful thing ever
- Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees,
shrubs, fish and sheep of ???,
volumes 1 - 42.
Soweit der Text, jetzt zu den Fragen. "Wert" eines Buchstaben
ist wie üblich dessen Position im Alphabet (a = 1, b = 2 usw.)
Frage 1: Von welchem Land (deutsche Bezeichnung) handelt
der Text?
A = Wert des siebten Buchstaben / 2
B = Wert des achten Buchstaben / 3
C = Wert des ersten Buchstaben
Frage 2: Der Autor des Textes ist Jeremy Lee (der darum
bittet, bei Verwendung des Textes den folgenden Link mit anzugeben
(Vorsicht Spoiler):
http://www.h2g2.com/A53650).
Welcher geniale Autor hat diesen Text nicht verfasst?
D = Wert des fünften Buchstaben des (ersten) Vornamens /
2
F = Wert des zweiten Buchstaben des Nachnamens / 2
G = Wert des ersten Buchstaben des Nachnamens
Die oben angegebenen Koordinaten zeigen auf die nächste
Haltestelle, an der auch Busse aus dem Landkreis halten. Den Cache
(leider nur ein Mikro - der Small hat den Alpha-Test nicht
bestanden) findet Ihr bei folgenden Koordinaten:
N 49°52.ABC E 008°39.DFG
BYOP - bitte eigenen Stift mitbringen. Have fun!