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Hunting DROP BEARS at Night
The Drop Bear (Koalas Droppii v. terroraustralis) is a totally
Australian marsupial.
Some
claim that it is entirely derived from Aboriginal folklore and
supposed 'fossil evidence'.
Scientists, naturalists, Australians and God have
tried to fake evidence of the existence of this animal in antiquity
by planting fossils, rewriting history, starting rumours and
inventing folk mythology. The creation of the Internet put a stop
to this nonsense as there are now multiple and easily accessible
testimonials that drop bears do in fact exist.
According to pommie paper The Times, the Drop
Bear is a perfect example of convergent evolution with the vicious
Drop Otters of Great Britain, although the two species are not
related.
Physical
Appearance
Drop Bears resemble Koalas, with
several noticeable differences:
- Koalas do
not grow up to 2m in height.
- Koalas do
not have sharp canine teeth (Used for bark or
meat).
- It is unlikely for a Koala to have a
tail.
- Koalas do
not eat their young.
- Drop Bears
do not have pouches.
- Drop Bears
do not photograph well.
- Koalas will
not give birth to a Howard love child.
- Koalas are
cute according to tourists, tourists don't survive saying that a
drop bear is cute.
Compared with Koalas, which some authorities insist
are close relatives of these creatures, Drop Bears are usually
browner in colour, ranging from dark brown to darker brown. They
have short, thick, curls of fur, and a single digit on each paw.
The digit terminates in a long claw-like retractable nail. This
makes them especially good at eye-gouging and slicing open the skin
of their prey (a practice which can facilitate growth of
particularly virulent strains of swamp-borne
infection).
Habitat
The
Common Drop Bear is usually to be found in the Tall Forests
of
Victoria and
South Australia. One such example
is the town of Glenburn in Victoria, due to the numerous reports of
drop bears it has resulted in a drop in the population because
residents feared for their lives and fled. Drop Bears are also
known to inhabit the Mangrove Swamps of the Northern Territory
and
Queensland. The animals like to
spend most of the time in the tree tops. This gives them a good
launching spot for a drop upon unsuspecting prey, an activity which
led to their common name. Drop Bears are notoriously hard to spot
whilst in their natural habitat as their fur camouflages well with
the olive grey hue of the foliage. [Note: other variations of Drop
Bear have been recorded with characteristics which are more suited
to their differing habitats. These include the rare Snow Drop Bear
(white fur), the Lesser Aquatic Drop Bear (mottled blue) and the
Shallow Water Drop Bear (aqua blue fur)]
Prey
The
primary prey of Drop Bears are unsuspecting tourists, often
Welsh or
German but usually
US American or
Japanese. It is
commonly understood that the Bears favour those with cameras, due
to the
entrancing reflection of the sun's
rays from the glass lenses on a typical Aussie scorcher of a day.
It is not true that Drop Bears are merely mesmerized by their
reflections in the instruments or harbour a conscious or
unconscious desire to be photographed. There is no truth in the
rarely misquoted assertion that they wish to be "at one with the
lens". It is a well known fact that the Australian Government would
have banned tourism long ago had it not been for the fact that with
no tourists, the drop bears would have been forced to feed on
Australians.
Prevention
of Drop Bear Attacks
Preventing attacks from Drop Bears can be easy (and fun) if you
know how.
Avoid walking under trees. If for some bizarre
reason you feel a compelling urge to walk under every tree you see,
attempt to avoid the chainsaw of natural selection by lying down
under trees and spitting upward. Drop Bears will typically spit
back down at you. If you successfully detect a Drop Bear - Move.
Quickly.
Do not camp or pitch tents under trees. Especially
trees with long overhanging branches. If the drop bears don't get
you, the eucalypt's annoying habit of shedding boughs during dry
conditions will.
Rub Toothpaste (non-gel type) behind your ears. Drop
Bears cannot abide the smell of toothpaste. Do not fall for the
common mistake of rubbing Vegemite behind your ears: that's just
silly. Stick to the toothpaste! Do not be lured by the
misconception that rubbing the shit of an Australian politician
behind your ears will prevent attack. It may stink but it's full of
bullshit!
Drop Bears have been known to be allergic to
submachine gun rounds. It would be a good idea to carry a
submachine gun on your next camping trip. Carry it in plain sight
at all times.
Stick forks in your hat. While this may not actually
prevent the Drop Bear from attacking you, it will certainly deter
it from attacking you
again.
If you suspect an encroaching attack by a Drop Bear,
walk on your hands. This totally confuses drop bears, as they begin
to wonder if they are actually below you looking up through the
ground. This is so distressing for the Bear that it often triggers
an onset of
SEHS.
For some
weird reason, drop bears never eat Aussies. Pretending to be
Australian doesn't help. Drop Bears are always suspicious of
accents which sound like Paul
Hogan.
Wear goggles- Drop Bear's find the eyeball meat the
most delicious, if they see that they can’t get to their
favourite part of the meal they may decide not to eat
you.
German WW I helmets with the spikes on the head were
introduced in June of 1916 when the Australian 105th Laundry and
Dirty Tricks Brigade started dropping drop bears into the enemy
trenches from special "eucalyptus zeppelins," and to this day a
more potent deterrent has yet to be
found.
Always
have a shotgun in your hand. It is amusing to yell "that's what I
thought!" :)
+ 
Wearing
a cork hat after covering your face with vegemite has been known to
keep away Drop Bears. This may be because the scent of the vegemite
confuses the Drop Bears into thinking that you're Australian. Be
careful though, because if the entire face isn't covered, it has
been known to
fail.
PREPARING FOR THE
HUNT...
To
begin the hunt please make sure you are prepared.
You
will be hunting some pretty mean DROP BEARS
tonight.
Quite a
few of them are pretty young ones, and are in the learning stages
of how to attack without getting caught
themselves.
To help
you through the hunt you are going to need the
following:
1.
A 
Not too bright please, we only want
to briefly stunn the DROP BEARS, not make them fall out of the
trees.
2. Some
stuff...not just for the mozzy's but also
for the fly's on steroids.
3.
A 
to get through the spiders webs AND to
help defend off a DROP BEAR.
4. Your 
so you can find the starting point of the
hunt and the cache location. Might be wise to waypoint your
car's location for a quick get away.
5. You will also need your 
full of swaps.
6. You will also need a pair
of 
& 
to prtect against pretty much
everything that can get you in the bush at night, including the
DROP BEARS.
THE HUNT...
1st
thing you need to do is get yourself and your team to the BASE OF
OPERATIONS (S36 48.466 E143 52.248) where you will team up
with another hunting team.
Once
there you will need to look for the tree with 2 fire tacks...this
is your starting point.
By
holding your TORCH up at EYE LEVEL, look around for the next tree
that contains another fire tack.
Repeeat
the above step a number of times until you reach a tree that has 2
fire tacks.
In this
tree you will need to search for SOMETHING that will give you the
coordinates to where the cache is hidden.
Sound
easy? Maybe it is and maybe it isn't.
You
will need to keep your ears and eyes open for the DROP BEARS along
the way.
They
will be in the trees with the markers, just above head
height.
PLEASE
DO NOT TRY AND TOUCH THEM...LEAVE THEM BE.
But you
WILL need to count them along the way, so nominate someone to keep
count, and protect that person until you get to the cache.
When you write in the log include the number of DROP BEARS you saw
along the way. (Also do this online when you are logging the
find for this cache)
It will
be interesting to see what sort of numbers teams come up with...it
will show who reads cache notes hey...lol.
The
INFORMATION at the TOP of this page will help you during the HUNT
to stay safe...so please take a moment to read
it.
The
cache is a fairly large container...when your team and the
accompanying team reach the cache location, please keep your
torches facing the ground as to not to give away your location to
other TEAMS or DROP BEARS.
We hope
you enjoy the hunt and please stay safe.
Cheers
tigersden