The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying.
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never leave my house again.
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you.
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
