"Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it.
Then he'll stand up and go- Hey, I'm vine man."
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was,
and why he had deer horns."