"The cache," said Captain Suva, "is not at the published location."
"Well then, let's not go there," replied Lady Tarawa.
"I agree, it would be the height of folly," agreed the Captain, straightening his eye patch. "For 'tis a fool's errand to seek what is not there. Five times now have I sailed the high seas in haste seeking treasure on naught but rumour, and five times I have returned with naught but my three sails and a mutinous crew."
"Zero success?" said Lady Tarawa incredulously. " I had been informed that you were the finest privateer on the seven seas. Four of the King's closest courtiers this very morn spoke of the wonders you have seen. It is not so?"
"Eight krakens slain, three with my own two hands. Seven great battles, the cannons booming like thunder, have I won. I became legend when I defeated Prince Honiara in a duel to the death on One Skull Island." The Captain sighed. "But nary a pirate's treasure chest have I ever laid mine eyes upon."
"If you accept my quest, my dear Captain, failure to achieve the six goals I have in mind is unacceptable, and the King will have your head. Two quests will take you to far-away lands. One will test your courage in the face of unimaginable terror, and three will see you battling the five gods themselves in mortal combat. None have ever sailed these waters and lived. But the rewards for success will make you a rich man."
"My lady," said the Captain, "my courage knows no bounds. Three ships I shall lead on this quest. And three shall return, their holds full to bursting with gold and silver. What price will you pay?"
Lady Tarawa smiled. "Five thousand groats for the man who completes my quest. And three country estates, two dukedoms and eight ships. Furthermore, the King himself offers a royal pardon for your past transgressions should you retrieve the one object he most desires."
"And what, my lady, is it that His Majesty seeks so dearly? Part of the Seven Treasures of Funafuti? The Orb of Immortality? The key to heaven itself?"
"Why it is of course a tupperware box hidden in the bushes".
"Of course! I leave at once! Naught time to waste! Good day, my lady!"
"Good day sir!"
