The forest is where I go to speak to my mother. The police and many others have been searching for mother for decades. Only I know where she is. She’s in my sacred place in the forest.
However, this story… rather, this warning…is not about her. If you’re reading this, then this is about YOU - as well as a man named Mr. Beckett.
Not long ago I stood in my sacred place at an undisclosed wooded location. I was having a discussion with mother and a few others when I heard a twig snap behind me. I turned and met eyes with Mr. Beckett, a tall bearded man who was walking hesitantly through the forest toward me... HOW DID HE FIND MY SACRED PLACE??
I demanded to know what he was doing. “Geocaching.” he answered with a smile on his disgusting bearded face. He walked toward me displaying a GPS in his hand as if its mere presence assisted me in understanding what this term “geocaching” meant. My confusion and frustration levels were escalating. I required more information on how this fool came to be at my sacred place so I imitated his smile to the best of my ability in an attempt to set him more at ease. I asked Mr. Beckett, “What on earth is Geocaching?”
It was difficult for me to hear his entire long-winded response through the sound of the rage that was building inside of me. However, I was able to feign friendliness and gather enough knowledge from Mr. Beckett to come to the conclusion that this “geocaching” absurdity was going to have to stop. Interestingly, I did note that as my mind raced and blood pressure peaked, Mr. Beckett was genuinely happy and excited to have introduced me to this ridiculous hobby. He even gave me his phone number and offered his assistance to me in finding my first “geocache” (I am still not convinced this is a proper term in the English language).
I allowed Mr. Beckett to live a while longer. After all, he hadn’t noticed mother or the others. Additionally, he’d given me his name and phone number thus allowing me to arrange a subsequent meeting with him at a time when I was better prepared.
During the days and nights that followed this encounter I was haunted by nightmares and visions of Mr. Beckett violating my sacred place along with more smiling outdoorsy idiots playing this “geocaching” game. I had to conjure up a way to deter Mr. Beckett and others like him from pursuing this preposterous hobby. After speaking with mother, I came up with a plan.
Mr. Beckett was very surprised when I called him days after our meeting in the forest. He was even more surprised that I wished to place a “geocache” of my own for others to find. Nevertheless, the fool agreed to meet with me and assist me in placing my first “geocache”. I told him I had a beautiful location in mind.
Mr. Beckett met me the following day and we set off on our journey into the forest. When we drew close to my new sacred place and waded into the swamp I could actually feel Mr. Beckett’s anxiety heighten. I briefly entertained the idea that he understood his role in this “geocache”. A short time later I watched intently as the true realization came across his face and I now know that I took him by complete surprise.
Two hours after disembarking on my journey with Mr. Beckett I emerged from the forest reeking of swamp, sweat, and blood. The “geocache” is now in place. The message to you “geocachers” will be clear. Stay out of my forests. Stay out of my woods. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Any incriminating photographs of this “geocache” will be promptly deleted.