D: I see from the weight of the postbag that the postman has taken to delivering coal again.
…it’s from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales.
D: Well, thank you Mrs Trellis. I’ll put it over here.
D: Now it’s time to play Mornington Crescent.
D: We will be awarding points. And what do points mean?
D: Sigh. Actually, today’s prize will be of interest to any platinum blonde hipsters – it’s this battery operated beard dimmer.
D: Sigh. As we are playing for the prestigious Armitage Shanks Bowl, we will be following the rarely used November 2017 rules. These are a bit tricky as they forbid the Overground and the DLR but include Moreton’s Diagonal Convention, Hugo’s Scoot, and Rhia’s Diminutive Stratagem. It hardly needs saying that main line stations are therefore wild.
A: Murmur of agreement.
D: Barry, I’d like you to … no, I can’t lie … Barry, you can start.
B: Lambeth North.
G: (Approvingly) You’re using a bishop’s gambit I see.
B: Archbishop’s gambit! It’s good when Moreton’s is in fork, er, force.
T: OK, Oxford Circus.
G: He’s played this before. We could be forced into baulk here. No, I can bunt; Warren Street.
J: Is it my turn?
D: Sigh. Yes. How long does this go on?
J: Camden Town.
T: Living dangerously!
G: Close to the edge…
B: King’s Cross St Pancras. Check.
J: Isn’t that a diagonal?
T: Not when Hugo’s scoot is in play.
J: I can’t see the point.
B: No, he’s right. You have to remember that Hugo’s includes suspension of the blind side boundary.
J: I see (in a tone that says he doesn’t).
T: So I can still go for … King’s Cross St Pancras!
A: Gasp!
B: That’s a null move!
T: Yes.
B: Ah, OK.
G: You’ve put me in knip. Ummmm … Of course! Main line stations are wild; Victoria.
J: Can I play a lateral here?
B: No, surely not.
G: Under Hugo’s? We need a ruling. Jack?
D: (Aside, evidently not paying attention.) Lower, lower. What?
G: Can he play a lateral?
D: He can play a lateran for all I care.
J: OK, Stockwell.
G: Good move!
J: Was it?
G: You’re going to have to be really careful here, Barry. We’re vulnerable and the bases are loaded.
B: Yes, I can see our chances going west. Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh …
G: Can we have a timeout?
D: No, that would just prolong the agony.
B: Ohhh … (Brightens up.) Of course! Rhia’s diminutive stratagem! Goodge Street!
A: Smattering of puzzled applause.
T: I’m going to have to huff.
G: There’s no point.
D: And not in front of the audience, please.
J: It’s OK. Remember that nudges are out of bounds after a diagonal.
T: That means it’s my turn. Embankment.
G: It’s not a loop move. Main line stations are wild, and there’s an ‘r’ in the month.
J: OK, can I play an orthogonal null move?
G: Yes, we’ve got Rhia’s remember.
B: You mean he can play a null move?
G: Yes. WE’LL GO OUT FOR A WALK LATER.
D: Sigh.
T: You’re allowed to play a null move, but it wouldn’t …
J: Embankment.
G: (Quick as a flash, with no hesitation) Mornington Crescent!
T: … be a good idea!
A: Applauds.
D: Schopenhauer wrote that life swings between pain and boredom. He didn’t mention having both at the same time. Fortunately there’s no time for another chukka.
A: Groans.
D: Sigh.
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