Narrator: The story you are about to experience is true. None of the names have been changed because no one is innocent.
[voiceover] My name is Papa Swan and I’m a cop. An Internet cop. . .
and this is my partner, Fryler.
On a Monday, we got a notice from Groundspeak that someone had hacked into their server and caused major issues with the system on 4/20, a day synonymous with deadbeats and ne'er-do-wells. There were multiple reports of cachers having their online logs changed to read “Go TCU” or “TCU Rocks”. The common reply “Thanks for the cache” was changed to “Thanks for the trash” in over one thousand logs. In several other instances, the difficulty and terrain attributes were both changed to 0.0. It was pure chaos and there was only one cacher who could pull this level of cyber shenanigans. Once again, we brought in our “old friend” Rick Dorsey for questioning.
Until recently, Dorsey called Texas home. That was a huge clue right there. Big state, big issues, get it? Now, cybersecurity was no laughing matter, so we'd have to be careful with a chucklehead like Dorsey. None of the traditional “good cop/bad cop” methods would work on him, so we planned our strategy accordingly.
Papa Swan: Okay, Dorsey, tell us how you pulled off the breach and we'll let you off easy.
Dorsey: I'm not going to confess to something I didn't do. You got nothing on me, so it won't matter, even if you ask me nine more questions.
Fryler: Some of the hacked logs had the initials TCU in them. Come to find out you used to hang at Texas Christian University. How do you explain that?
Dorsey: There are many current TCU students and even more alumni all over the country. Pretty good for one university. My point is even clearer when you take that into consideration.
Papa Swan: As usual, you're talking but you're not making any sense, so let's try another approach. It says here you used to be a sportswriter. What sport did you follow?
Dorsey: Mostly baseball but I followed all of them and I honestly thought it might work out, but it just didn't pay enough. I was lucky to have eight bucks left at the end of the month.
Papa Swan: So you followed baseball and I'll bet even played some ball back in the day. Look at these photos from your house. Your laptop was smashed to pieces before we could check it. We found a baseball bat nearby. Care to explain?
Dorsey: Well, a bat would do that kind of damage, for sure. But I didn't swing it. Someone broke into the house while I was at the gym and destroyed my laptop and my iPad. Luckily, I had my phone with me so I didn't go oh for three.
Papa Swan: You expect us to believe that, Dorsey? Sounds like a tall tale.
Dorsey: I don't care what you believe. I can't do laundry because the person who broke in also destroyed my hose vent. I had to run to the laundromat at five when it was super crowded.
Papa Swan: What the blazes is a hose vent? Never mind. We had your phone checked out and there were some mighty suspicious items in your browser history. You visited the geocaching pages of some of the cachers who got hacked. You could make this easy on everyone and admit you were the hacker.
Dorsey: I could, but it won't make me the hacker. Look, it's been seven questions and you still have nothing on me.
Papa Swan: We'll be the judge of that, smart guy. According to these documents we found, you were kicked out of your last cybersecurity class for hacking into the server and changing every grade in the class but yours to a D minus. Sounds like you know a few back roads on the information super highway.
Dorsey: Nobody uses that lame expression any more, for what it's worth. Besides, I changed the grades back so everything was on even terms. I didn't need that class. I was always four weeks ahead of the instructor.
Fryler: Let's talk about the other areas that were hacked. The difficulty and terrain attributes were changed to 0.0 for over one thousand cache listings. We found an entry on social media where you gave out grades of 0.0 to several major league umpires. Tell me that's just coincidence, Dorsey.
Dorsey: It's just a coincidence. That post you reference is over six years old. I could delete it, but it won't do any good since the internet is forever, as they say.
Papa Swan: Are you sure you don't want to lawyer up, Dorsey? It's getting mighty warm in here.
Dorsey: I've been in worse situations. I had a summer job as a member of the St Francis of Assisi X-ray team. The place had zero ventilation, so I've learned to take the heat.
Fryler: I'll bet you have, tough guy. You'll need to be tough when the jury puts you away for a few years. By the way, we froze all your assets at the bank. You know the ransomware money you got from Groundspeak. It's all right here.
Dorsey: You can't freeze my assets. That's my money and I earned it legit. Half I’ve saved up and half I invested wisely. You two are the worst cops I've ever encountered. I want my lawyer and I want him now!
[Dorsey is led away]
Papa Swan: I love it when they lawyer up. Let's me know we did our job and did it right. Just like last time, Rick Dorsey spilled his guts.
Fryler: Yes he did. Like before, every answer he gave contains a clue.
Papa Swan: Then we can inform Groundspeak that our work is done here. Time to strike a pose.
Just the facts:
N 41 _ _._ _ _
W 071 _ _._ _ _
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